I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
