ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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