the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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