i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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