I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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