my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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