He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
