These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
