shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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