I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
