Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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