I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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