saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
