so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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