Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
