Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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