I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
