I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
