nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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