There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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