sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
