Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
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