Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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