So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
