I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
