I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
