you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If I die, sorry about rent.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
