Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
