he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
