Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
