he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize