I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
time to smoke my breakfast
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
