i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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