So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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