weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
