Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
