I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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