i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
