Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
