i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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