I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
