am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
