She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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