My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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