I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
