Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
