I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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