youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
