You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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