Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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