all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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