Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
