so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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