Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
