Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
