im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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