Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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