Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize