I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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