3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
