you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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