I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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