it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
