She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
